Butch… and weight loss. Part Four
Part Four – Identity
I know, I know – part four was supposed to be about resources. Apparently I lied, so there.
One of the things that comes with losing 50 pounds, especially after being pregnant, is that shit (i.e. my body) has shifted like tectonic plates. I thought the post-baby body was weird… the post-baby body post-50 pounds is so much weirder.
I mean, some things are the same and won’t change. Like my low waist. And my short legs. And my ponytail.
Where clothes hang and how they fit is not only new (and improved, I will say), but it’s finally becoming representative of how I feel on the inside. Yay progress! Of course, this means I can finally wear all those glorious amounts of button up shirts tucked into my khaki pants when I go to work! For years, I’ve been hiding behind sweaters (or better yet, sweater VESTS – booyah) for work attire. And as much as I’d like to rock a tie to work, although I’m sure they wouldn’t fire me, I’m gonna save the ties for special gay occasions. Like gay weddings. And, uh, gay weddings?
Anyhow – so the amount I’ve lost has cut down on some of my curves, squaring off my shoulders and hips, which is a really delightful experience when your insides feel mostly masculine. My therapist asked me the other day about my target weight (he says “Hi” by the way) and I honestly don’t think I’m far from it where I am now. So that’s good, in that, it feels attainable. Yay reasonable expectations!
So my brain and body are finally meeting up, which is kind of an amazing experience. As someone who has spent the last 12 years contemplating the “T” in GLBT, I’m coming to the realization that my insides and outsides didn’t match because of a gender mix-up, but more because of my weight. I mean, I’ve always been butch. I’ll always BE butch. But now I can be butch the way that my brain thinks I should look, and not the reality I’ve been hanging in for such a long time.
Of course, this doesn’t mean I’ll cut my hair. Duh. You can be butch with long hair, as long as you open doors.
Coming up, Part Five – Resources and information OR… whatever suits my fancy.