Well today I broke in my first maternity shirt. Gasp. It’s a periwinkle sweater with a white button-up collar. Let me tell you, folks, nothing says hotsexybutchlovin’ like a periwinkle sweater with a pouch for your belly. I don’t know how I can keep my wife’s hands off me. And you people Googling “butch maternity clothes” and looking for help here at butch and pregnant, there are no such items. You would think I had answers, huh? Sorry, man. My initial answer, at least for the top half, was in the form of larger men’s sweaters, which indeed help, but only to a point – that point being, do you want to look like a pregnant lady, or a fattening man? After two weeks of team fattening man, I changed sides. And as a result, I am a dead ringer for a pregnant lady. Why? It could be that the fattening man look was simply unflattering, despite the preferred earth-tone color schemes and familiar baggy fit. The pregnant lady look, although reluctantly periwinkle and almost uncomfortably clingy, actually makes me look presentable at work, and surprisingly thinner (than perhaps pre-pregnancy).
As much as I’d like to wander around in baggy shirts and sweaters, those things are swallowing me whole. This is not to say that I’ve made this maternity-shirt jump without hesitation, fear, and utter embarrassment. I have a reputation, folks. I do not wear sweater sets, turtlenecks, scoop-neck-anything, v-neck anything, cable-knit anything, form-fitting-anything, and if it’s not brown or green and from the men’s section, I usually don’t wear it. I have five brown or green sweaters, for Fall/Winter. I have five brown or green (sometimes dark blue) polo shirts, for Spring/Summer. I look like this guy and this guy, with a ponytail. Each season, I buy one new sweater/polo to replace one that’s faded its way into the Goodwill pile. I sat in my office this morning and dreaded my first visitor. And as I suspected, the co-worker one office over stormed in after seeing a glimpse of the periwinkle from the tiny crack in my door. Holy shit – is that periwinkle?! Someone call 9-1-1!
I’m fortunate enough that two sweater vests and two regular rotation non-pregnancy sweaters are still making the cut… for now. So my transition into periwinkle’s relatives should be a slow integration as the need progresses. Although, it doesn’t make it any less painful and humiliating to wear a 3/4 length sleeve. I know. I KNOW. I don’t want to talk about it.
I can also count my pants blessings, since all of those (sans belt) are still fitting like champs, because there’s nothing about pregnancy jeans that doesn’t scream mom jeans, no matter what Old Navy and the Gap try to say about it. Oh sure, they’re comfortable, but as a former-fat-kid who had to wear elastic waistband jeans with no back pockets all through junior high, they come close in being as traumatizing. So I have this arsenal of pregnancy clothes that I have deemed acceptable enough for work-wear, and plan on working one new shirt in as needed, as to not show up one week in all-new-clothes, as they might not recognize me and security in my building is tight.