Well today I broke in my first maternity shirt.  Gasp.  It’s a periwinkle sweater with a white button-up collar.  Let me tell you, folks, nothing says hotsexybutchlovin’ like a periwinkle sweater with a pouch for your belly.  I don’t know how I can keep my wife’s hands off me.  And you people Googling “butch maternity clothes” and looking for help here at butch and pregnant, there are no such items.  You would think I had answers, huh?  Sorry, man.  My initial answer, at least for the top half, was in the form of larger men’s sweaters, which indeed help, but only to a point – that point being, do you want to look like a pregnant lady, or a fattening man?  After two weeks of team fattening man, I changed sides.  And as a result, I am a dead ringer for a pregnant lady.  Why?  It could be that the fattening man look was simply unflattering, despite the preferred earth-tone color schemes and familiar baggy fit.  The pregnant lady look, although reluctantly periwinkle and almost uncomfortably clingy, actually makes me look presentable at work, and surprisingly thinner (than perhaps pre-pregnancy).

As much as I’d like to wander around in baggy shirts and sweaters, those things are swallowing me whole.  This is not to say that I’ve made this maternity-shirt jump without hesitation, fear, and utter embarrassment.  I have a reputation, folks.  I do not wear sweater sets, turtlenecks, scoop-neck-anything, v-neck anything, cable-knit anything, form-fitting-anything, and if it’s not brown or green and from the men’s section, I usually don’t wear it.  I have five brown or green sweaters, for Fall/Winter.  I have five brown or green (sometimes dark blue) polo shirts, for Spring/Summer.  I look like this guy and this guy, with a ponytail.  Each season, I buy one new sweater/polo to replace one that’s faded its way into the Goodwill pile.  I sat in my office this morning and dreaded my first visitor.  And as I suspected, the co-worker one office over stormed in after seeing a glimpse of the periwinkle from the tiny crack in my door.   Holy shit – is that periwinkle?!  Someone call 9-1-1!

I’m fortunate enough that two sweater vests and two regular rotation non-pregnancy sweaters are still making the cut… for now.  So my transition into periwinkle’s relatives should be a slow integration as the need progresses.  Although, it doesn’t make it any less painful and humiliating to wear a 3/4 length sleeve.  I know.  I KNOW.  I don’t want to talk about it.

I can also count my pants blessings, since all of those (sans belt) are still fitting like champs, because there’s nothing about pregnancy jeans that doesn’t scream mom jeans, no matter what Old Navy and the Gap try to say about it.  Oh sure, they’re comfortable, but as a former-fat-kid who had to wear elastic waistband jeans with no back pockets all through junior high, they come close in being as traumatizing.  So I have this arsenal of pregnancy clothes that I have deemed acceptable enough for work-wear, and plan on working one new shirt in as needed, as to not show up one week in all-new-clothes, as they might not recognize me and security in my building is tight.


Posted on January 26, 2010, in clothing. Bookmark the permalink. 17 Comments.

  1. 3/4 sleeves?!?!?? I mean seriously, does it have to be that hard? did you pick out this shirt yourself? I can’t believe its that hard. dont wear 3/4 sleeves!

    • For real. The only other suggestion I found online for “butch maternity clothes” was to wear extra large Dickies overalls. I am a professional, for pete’s sake… and unfortunately not a professional farrier. 3/4 sleeves might very well be the death of me, but let me put it in perspective a) the shirt was a welcome alternative to other items, and b) I paid full price for it. Those should give some indication to the dire and bleak situation in which I’ve found myself. Shameful.

  2. This whole post made me laugh. About 10 years ago, my “butch” wife did the same thing and I’ll never forget the terror in her eyes when we first went to a maternity store. I thought she was completely beautiful but she basically felt naked the whole 9 months.

    Good for you – taking it in stride. If there were enough of you, I’d recommend we start a clothing line!

    • I’m beginning to think there may be a market for us folk! I have enough trouble finding clothes I like when I’m not pregnant, so this has just added another unbelievable level of difficulty.

      • There is SERIOUSLY a market for it! I am now butch and pregnant, about to make my first shopping trip for maternity clothes this weekend. I am terrified from what I have seen online. WHAT am I going to wear?

  3. I feel your pain with the maternity clothes. I looked like a deer in headlights when we stepped into Motherhood Maternity a few weeks ago. The upbeat smiley blond was like can I help you, I was like yeah, point me to your least girlie clothes. She looked at me like I was crazy. My wife said I was kind of bitchy but I was just freaked out. I never shop in the ladies section. This post said it all. I wore 3/4 sleeves for the first time yesterday, and although my wife said I looked so cute, I felt like a total ass.

    • Total ass – that’s exactly the phase I was looking for. I’m not only looking for less girlie clothes, but less girlie clothes in a XL and 2X, which are practically unicorns flying in outer space. 3/4 sleeves are made by the devil, I’m convinced.

  4. Hm. I don’t know. I think cable knit can be very butch. But doesn’t solve your clothing dilemma.

    • I’d support cable knit, if they were larger cables? All of the cable knits for women seem to be thin cables, in pastel or bright colors. 😉 I do enjoy an argyle, but again, a lot of the argyles come only in pink. Not like pink can’t be butch, but it’s usually not something I can pull off.

  5. I have totally been googling butch maternity clothes! This is an untapped market! I’ve been thinking about buying my clothes in the men’s section and then having them tailored to fit. Maternity clothes are so expensive anyways.

    • I have considered that as well. Someone suggested taking men’s oxford shirts and polos and putting stretchy panels in the side seams. Seems like a lot of trouble, but looking girly sounds worse to me.

  6. Your post has made me feel a bit defeated and also relieved at the same time. You also got a couple of laughs out of me. My wife and I have a two year old son (she carried him) – seriously the best thing that has ever happened to us – and the plan has been for me to carry the second. We are going to start trying agian very soon… I am truly looking forward to the experience of being proegnant…. except for the clothes thing – ugh. I walked into a maternity store the other day, just to anticipate what will be my reality, and my anxiety was confirmed. Terrible options! I do think there is a calling for dyke maternity clothes.
    Anyway, thanks for the post and have fun with your little one!

  7. I am really thankful to this topic because it really gives great information ;’:

  8. Thank you for letting me know that I am not alone. Over here in week 9, already looking like month 4, I am having a rough time finding clothing. I’ll be damned if I wear anything with a floral pattern. My wife tries to get me to try on over the top femme maternity clothes, and I just say, oh hell no. But alas, buying size 38 cargo shorts for my normally 32″ waist is starting to look ridiculous. It just looks like I crapped myself. I suppose I will have to bite the bullet and find something in the maternity section. Sigh. I can’t wait to see my customers’ faces when they see their plumber walk in wearing some obnoxious pastel maternity pants. I may become a hermit for the next 6 months…

    • You are definitely not alone. But I will reassure you that there are a handful of ways to make maternity clothes more tolerable. Avoid the bright colors and ruffles, and you’ll be OK. Plus, the time will really go quickly and you’ll be back in your normal clothes before you know it. Also, the last month (at least for me), I wore a lot of big, baggy t-shirts because my belly had even outgrown some of the maternity shirts. Don’t be afraid to buy three really good quality shirts and pants, because that shit is expensive, and you won’t wear them forever. Just plan on doing laundry more frequently, which is kind of preparation for parenting anyhow. Congrats on your little one!

  9. I thought I would get through my pregnancy with buying a few things in larger sizes! Wrong!! At 30 weeks and with a 48 inch waistline and growing the only thing I’am comfy wearing are leggings some huge mens shirts and dungarees I had never worn
    dungarees before but love them they are so butch

  1. Pingback: Butch maternity | Hinteler

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